Trying to Escape my Current Job

A few weeks ago I had two interviews–one at a grocery and the other at a retail establishment.

I was actually accepted for for the retail job (as an “apparel clerk”). My schedule would have started at 20 hours a week at minimum wage. This would be a significant downgrade from my current job which is 40 hours/week and roughly $2.50/hour more than my state’s minimum wage. I had applied for these jobs at the order of my step-mother. However, she and my father ordered me to reject the job because it was too few hours–she allowed that while it was acceptable for me to work part time, I should choose something that gives me close to 30 hours per week.

I probably would have had my struggles had I accepted the apparel clerk gig. The job would have required a certain amount of executive function and verbal communication.

My step-mother has also decided that a courtesy clerk job in a grocery store would be ideal for me (but only if they get close to 30 hours).

Since I started my current job about 11 weeks ago, I’ve developed a substantial anxiety regarding any interaction I have with most people. Every time I answer the phone at work I think: Is this caller going to end up biting my head off? Is the caller going to ask to speak to somebody else in my department after I demonstrate my lack of knowledge on a topic (as happened a few weeks ago)? Am I going to be able to figure out what the caller is asking about? Am I going to stumble over my words and feel humiliated? Is the caller going to leave a negative survey response after the call is over?

My boss indicated on Monday that while there was at least one positive survey response after a call I took last week there were several other calls of mine whose survey responses made her want to investigate them. As of Monday she hadn’t listened to recordings of these calls but perhaps she has done so by now. My awkward interactions with other people are excruciatingly embarrassing to me and being subjected to a blunt critique of such interactions is a dreadful ordeal. I especially fear to be exposed for giving a caller the wrong information or seeming not to know what I am talking about. I’m simply not wired very well for verbal communication. This job requires so much complicated knowledge on so many topics that it is beyond my capacity to be successful in it.

Published by freedautist819

I'm an over-educated, underemployed Autistic (Asperger's Syndrome) trying to find my way in the neurotypical world. I'm using this blog as a sort of diary documenting my struggles. I don't pretend to believe that every interpretation I make about the world is correct or that my reaction to every stimuli is the one which a perfectly rational individual would make. I do however believe that I'm fairly intelligent in many ways; I also believe that the perspective of autistic people too often gets buried in the discussion about our experience. As I'm on the autism spectrum, perhaps I can provide insights as I share my struggle. To donate:

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