Turmoil

My biggest problem at my job continues to be auditory processing and lacking the confidence to stand up to callers when necessary.

Yesterday an angry employee of our company called because she’d been unable to get her expense report approved and have the company reimburse her for it. The reimbursement amount was around $1100. She ranted and raved for about 20 minutes and was very abrasive when I timidly tried to tell her that she needed to submit a special type of receipt for two of her expenses. This phone call drifted onward past the required shut down time of our phone lines before lunch and my boss jumped on the line with me. She managed to sweet talk this crazy lady into calmness. She later criticized me for “shutting down” during the latter part of the call.

There was another distressing call late in the day on Monday and I went into Tuesday highly stressed. The stress was greatly compounded by struggles with the functioning of my computer and internet access (I work from home). My boss was a little frustrated with me. I ended up struggling the whole day to try to fix the situation.

Normally I would call my father to try to help but he is in the hospital. On Monday, he suffered a minor stroke. His mind seems relatively clear but one of his eyes is damaged. He has double vision in this eye. This is two months after he came home from the hospital after getting mauled by Valley Fever. The doctors are not completely ruling out the possibility that the stroke was caused by inflammation of the meninges around the brain–in other words Meningitis. At this point they are proceeding on the assumption that the stroke is not Meningitis related but they haven’t completely ruled It out.

Thus after gaining an impressive amount of strength and activity level in the last few months, my dad’s has now taken significant steps backward. Once again I’m faced with the prospect of losing my dad and being left alone with my crazy step-mother.

My step-mother returned from the hospital today and stopped by to help me fix my computer problem. She was in a highly neurotic bull-in-a-China-shop state and brought up the conversation she has afflicted on me before about the need to plan for the future in the wake of my dad’s renewed serious health troubles. If my dad were to die, she thinks I would do best in some kind of collective living situation where there is a “caretaker” to watch over neuro-divergent residents, prepare them meals, etc. She also said something vague to the effect that I could also become a dependent of the state.

She is an overbearing idiot and I despise her more than anything on this earth. But is she totally wrong? In the past few years I’ve had repeated job experiences which have further eroded my slim confidence about my ability to succeed at any job with a living wage and to interact with my fellow human beings without having anxiety and meltdowns. I hate her passionately for having so much control over my life but would I do any better if she wasn’t around?

The future doesn’t look good.

Published by freedautist819

I'm an over-educated, underemployed Autistic (Asperger's Syndrome) trying to find my way in the neurotypical world. I'm using this blog as a sort of diary documenting my struggles. I don't pretend to believe that every interpretation I make about the world is correct or that my reaction to every stimuli is the one which a perfectly rational individual would make. I do however believe that I'm fairly intelligent in many ways; I also believe that the perspective of autistic people too often gets buried in the discussion about our experience. As I'm on the autism spectrum, perhaps I can provide insights as I share my struggle. To donate: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/AutisticFreedom

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